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oppsie [17 Sep 2005|03:11pm] okay this is my final entry here i realize that ever since i got my new journal i never informed all of my peoples that im not here so my new user name is _______wickedx add me if you'd like there, sorry about the random forgetfulness <3Lauren Ashley on my heart

no shoes, no shirt, no problem [04 Jun 2005|12:33pm] [ mood | Very happy ] [ music | Feels like today ___ Rascal Flatts ] yesterday was McTernan's graduation so im just writing random stuff about people Kevin - i hate how i never talked to you the two years i was actually at mcternan. but we're close now so im happy. You are such an amazing friend you've helped me with a lot this year. We like being in control which is kinda funny. idk what else to say except i'll be up there with sandy every weekend. Thank you for everything! i cant wait until you're president and me and hefferon are your lawyers :) Lauren - my vaughany i love you so much, i dont think i can ever remember fighting with you once. you're beautiful and smart and funny and i dont know what i would have done without you these last three years. Now you're leaving to become a big star in NY but of course i'll be visiting you too. Boys are stupid so of course we're just going to become lesbians together. Thank you for everything you've ever done for me, like take me in when i run away. lol i love love love you soo much. i dont know what im going to do without you next year. *ties you down and keeps you in my closet* Brandon - god i've known you forever. you and your flowered bathing suit. very spiffy. im going to miss you man. you need to hang out with me more often. i cant believe you're going to college and leaving me behind. oh well. you'll have a blast. and im going to missssssss youuu. Mike & Shan - i dont really know what to say so i think i'll start off with an im sorry for everything that happened this year. It kinda sucks when a small fight turned into something that hurt two of my good friendships, and a lot of that was because of me. so i apologize for everything that was said about you two this year. i cant even imagine how different this year would have been if none of that happened. i know that an aapology cant erase past journal entries or past exchanges of words but Im happy i got to talk to the both of you at graduation and hopefully everything can just be put in the past. But again i am sorry for everything that has happened in the last year. Good luck in college. and congrats on graduating. and hopefully this summer can be better then this year. <333 Ian - my buddy who never talks to me anymore! lol well thats my fault for always being away but still. i missed you a lot this year man it was different without you because no one at holy cross remotly compares! but hopefully we can hang before you leave for college, thank god you're not going that far. and you better get me uconn tickets! :) you know you want toO! thanks for everthing. espically letting me sit outside your window those long nights when i stalked you ;) its been good times. lol well i have to start getting ready. but im going to post pictures latter on too <3Lauren 2 hypnotic on my heart

Two entries in one day.. wtf? [22 May 2005|01:56pm] [ mood | fucking awesome ] [ music | UPTOWN GIRLS!!! ] so basically im going to describe a shitload of my good friends. and you have to try to guess if you are one of them. (i stole it from you mikeY) --it wont be that hard to guess -- lol 1-you were one of my first friends ever. we had a lot of rough patches but thats just because we're competitive mother fuckers. But a frienship that shines through dark times is worth keeping around. 2-i met you through mutual friends but we didnt get close until last year. you're a really big support factor in my life. plus we're going to have sex in the library with pat one of these days. 3-i've known you since kindergarden and first thought of you as the weird girl who like sports. but now you're one of my best friends and its weird not being in school with you. i miss you and our catching tadpoles at the golf course. 4-I pretty much hated you freshman year because you were smarter then everyone. but you were my mom on the sailing trip and i realized i could morph you into being a hoe like me. now we're unseperable and we have bad family lives but it gets us through. 5-i didnt even talk to you all that much when i was at mcternan. now i talk to you all the time. we hate people and are very critical of them but it works for us. plus i love how you have dirty dreams of dorthy and you love black singers. 6-you were one of my first friends at mcternan. you're bubbly just like me and i love it. we stayed friends through every little small mcternan bullshit drama and thats how you know a friendship is strong enough. now you're going to be a big dancing star in NY and i'll miss you more then is healthy for a person. 7-my newest friend who i have crazy hot sex with all the time. we dress like sluts, act like sluts, hell we are sluts. this summer is going to be nuts. i love you so much you're awesome and i need to piddle 8-i met you two years ago and we finally got to hang out for the first time a month ago? well it was worth the wait because im pretty sure that was one of the best nights ever, scarey dogs included. you always tell me im beautiful even if i dont believe you. and you keep all my pictures. dear god. and you're also a really good kisser.. i mean.. oh and i want my song you boob whore! 0:o) 9-lets see you're funny a good friend sweet caring and incredibly sexy. you took me to wicked and i think i cried. you were one of my first friends at holy cross and i love you dearly, even though your driving sucks and scares me a little. 10-we were in the play together but we didnt get close until after when we realized we were in the same lunch and then like a fool you droped those trays and i fell in love with you! you got me through a lot of hard times this year and i cant wait for summer and senior yr! BE SAFE! and boys suck! 11-i met you online and thought you were a 70 yr old child raper haha. then i had that man crush on you. oh and surprisingly you're an amazing cook. but thats because you're a mamas boy. but you send me flowers that say "to paige love hermin" so my mom wont catch on. 12-you fucking homo i'll huggle you anytime. mmmm butt sex? duude i was the only girl you've ever kissed. whatta freak. americas next top model's got nothing on us! my rican<33 13-we go way back to random basketball camps when that kid panced you and the other girl screamed "eww i see his private" you are madly in love with me and are under my spell.. and you snuck me into that club in NY and im never going to a club with you ever again. mmkay 14-i met you on a goddamn buss coming from church and i flirted with you and we dated for a week. you're the only boy that can see he wasnt dumped by me! im glad we became friends again. and watching movies with you is always entertaing. espically on my bed with my mom walking by every ten seconds. hahaha 15-i've known you since you did that play at blessed sacerment and your the hottest younger then me kid ever. art class with you is so much fun because you're absolutely hysterical. i hope you and hillary duff get married one day and then you have an affair with britney spears because i would tape it all. ehh ihave so many more awesome friends but thats all for now because my hands hurt and my phones ringing ( Lauren ) 7 hypnotic on my heart

you were the last good thing about this part of town [22 May 2005|10:57am] [ mood | chipper- ish ] [ music | gavin degraw live cd ] weeee so my life lately.. huh.. well lets see i no longer have wisdom teeth i got them out last friday.. ouch.. i had to work all week bc we are "behind" or w/e and i have to work every day next week too because stace is a lucky whore and is going to FL.. that slut! lol well no but i love her! umm i went to see her play saturday.. it was good but SOOOO long.. eric came around half time.. good times.. friday what did i do.. oh i finally fucking got my fake nails off.. im never getting those stupid things again.. my nails arent like weak but theres random indents.. stupid pieces of shit.. today i need to do major homework since i havent? theres only idk 10 or eleven days left (including exams) but we dont have any more full weeks of school i get this friday off for some teacher thing and monday off too.. but ha i have to work all day friday so.. well atleast i get paid? idk there isnt much to say. im at a loss for words. wee? yah i need to start my french, english report and math and ahh catch yah later kiddies <3Lauren 2 hypnotic on my heart

when it all falls down [06 May 2005|12:12am] [ mood | cry ing ] so its 12:30 and im acting like i use to when i was depressed. i just hung up the phone and stared at my ceiling and starting thinking about god. wow me and god. weird. i hate the fact that i cant believe in anything anymore; in the future, in myself, in other people. because when i do try to believe in those three things i just feel more empty or lost or used. i wish i could believe that someday life will just turn around that someday someone will just come and say you've suffered enough. but i know it wont. and i know im being unreasonable and idiotic because there are so many people that have it worse off then i do. kids in thirdworld countries or kids waiting to be adopted that dont even have parents. i atleast have one? i just dont understand how this "god" can do this, how he can watch people suffer, people that dont diserve it. like my mom who works all the time to support me, or my grandmother who picthes in her small check she gets every month to me because my low life father does shit, to my friend who i wont name who'se boyfriend treats her like crap, to my harvey bear that constantely gets ridiculed because he's GAY GAY GAY GAY like its some kind of sin you close minded assholes and to all the other people in the world that feel lost or hurt. its not even about me and my happiness. god so im not happy. honestly if i knew that everyone in the world was happy. and i was sad. i wouldnt care. let me be unhappy it doesnt matter to me anymore. i just wish i could believe in someone i wish i didnt have to just lay in my bed and cry and think of what my life could have been like if i had a father who loved me or wanted me if i had a family that bothered with me or a mother that i didnt fight with all the time or if i had money or if i was pretty or if anything was different. if the world was a safer place if i didnt move to this stupid state. but i cant think about that. i cant think about the past because that just ruins what could happen in the future.. and why ruin more times to sit back and look at the world and my life and just say we suck. i hate people. i hate how people treat people. i hate all that sad and pathetic injustices in the world. i hate onions and the dark and needles and SATS and my father and my life. but thats not going to change. because if i ever fall asleep i'll just be the same sad lauren when i wake up. i'll put on a smile and everyone will think im okay. and the people that know im not okay will try to help me. but theres nothing that can help me anymore. so instead of trying to help myself dont in the end of this feel bad for. dont tell me "lauren im sorry it will get better" feel bad for every kid out there who has it worse off then we do. feel bad and sorry for the kids that dont have food. whose families are dieing because of a war that some will never understand. feel bad and pray for the families who deal with child abuse and feel bad for everyone but yourself, and feel bad and think about anyone but me. i do it every day 16 hypnotic on my heart

hey its cloudy outside whatcha gunna do [27 Apr 2005|05:22pm] [ mood | decent ] [ music | "hold on true" _ OAR ] its been awhile.. i've been to busy really to deal with internet life. mainly livejournal and all my communities.. i have to get my wisdom teeth out.. and guess what my dad wont pay.. so basically for the next month.. i have no money.. at all.. just what i get in my pay checks.. which doesnt last long because i put most of it in the bank.. and for mothers day i plan on getting my mom a lot because she does so much for me and this is the first time i can actually buy her a gift.. me and chris called it quits.. but its okay.. because we still talk on the time.. and we're still friends which is what i wanted.. Yesterday it seemed like i was being consumed by hell.. everything went wrong.. except for my 92 on a math "quest" and a 96 on an english test.. but it was just bad.. everything.. Tonight im going over mike casey's house with justine to film a midsummers night dream.. it should be some fun times.. Thursday i dont have to work so im probably going to go and visit mcternan theater and see how the musical is comming.. they open this week.. im excited.. but people have told me it isnt that great.. so we'll see? all i know is holy cross's musical was amazing.. so yah and then FRIDAY ahh its taking forever to get here.. i have school and im getting out early to go and talk to the doctor about my poor teeth.. and then work.. and THEN later me and bob are going out :) wait.. did i just say that.. i finally get to hang out with bob!! hehe that kids always busy.. but im excited because he isnt friday! so we're going to new haven.. and did i mention i was very excited.. no? well im very excited like whoa teehee.. okay.. well now anyways.. im out.. gotta do my hair and get shit ready for tonight.. leave your love beeotches and of course i was a camera whore so click my name ( Lauren ) 2 hypnotic on my heart

change of weather still together when it ends [29 Mar 2005|03:43pm] [ mood | sad-ish ] [ music | Maroon 5 ] ummm idk lifes been decent lately. i was confused about a lot of crazy stuff at the end of last week but im all good now. thursday and saturday chris came over and we watched rose red. it was on tv awhile ago but i never got into it.. its crazy long. i got my digi camera wed. and thursday i went to family dinner. it wasnt bad. i thought it would be worse as i normally do. but my baby cousins are so adorable its insane. and alan and his girlfriend kayte was there and i like kayte shes cool so i talked with them. umm yah. saturday we finished the movie and then chris wanted to see dave before he left so we went over his house for a bit. god damn smoke. then we drove around for a while. and yah. easter i went over my anuts. instead of NY with chris :( but it wasnt bad i hung out with allie. so yah. umm thats about it. monday i didnt have school. and if i recall all i did was go to work. yah. so thats it for now. this week is going to be busy Tomorrow -Makeup test after school -Chicago at night Thursday -Painting chris' new room in Soutbury Friday -Work -sleeping over hefferons :o) then i have to make time some day to go to the musical.. lol oh boy oh and here is a warning.. CRAZY ASS PICTURE UPDATE Leave your comments about what you think ( Lauren ) 12 hypnotic on my heart

holes digging around me [21 Mar 2005|10:30pm] [ mood | Sat is fied ] [ music | Wicked.. what else ] its time for possible another contraversal(sp) topic.. although im not sure how many people will be against what im talking about but im sure there are the select guilty few. Anyways. heres the story (or captions of what you need to know) that made me want to write this. I have a friend (yes a friend this is not slang for me) recently ran into some old friends who found out he was a homosexual. They taunted him threw him around called him "faggot" and a desgrace. During high school he hid his homosexuality because even though we're in a time where its excepted in reality for men its still looked down upon. Espically when they were on the football team, basketball team, and track team. How can such a masculine guy like.. other guys? it doesnt make sense right? but it does, and it happens, and its there. these people men and women dont wake up and say "i want to fool around with a member of the same sex" i fully believe its part of who they are. But that isnt why im writing this to explain how i believe homosexuality is a natural thing. "thats so gay" or "stop acting gay" or "yadda yadda GAY" this is the year 2005, we arent back in the age where homosexuality barely accured and if it did no one EVER knew about it. People say these things not knowing that someone who really is gay might here it. I know its now not only used as a word for homosexuals but for a slang term meaning bad or disstastefull, but what are people or even children growing up with this slang and with homosexuality at the same time going to think... when you say something is "gay" like "thats so gay" and you say it in a negative way then that only prompts younger people or naive older people to think that homosexuality is a negative thing, which its not. If people love each other then why not give them that oppurtunity. Why do we have to constantely put down things we may not fully understand or that we arent sure how we feel about it. As you say things like "that looks gay" you may not think about the people around you. that stranger to your left could be gay, that store clerk you're buying the "gay" shirt from might be gay.. or maybe even your friend who is too scared to come out is gay.. and by putting them down in such a negative way dont you think it makes it harder for them to be who they really are. I have a lot of gay friends, one of my best friends who i talked about earlier is gay. but i dont see him as gay i see him as my best friend who let me cry for 6 hours when my mom threw me out.. who helped me with a hangover.. who gives me advice on shoes and shooting tips.. i think of my best friend.. because i respect him enough as a person and a human being with feelings to understand that he is more then just "gay" thank you and goodnight <3Lauren 13 hypnotic on my heart

Promo [16 Mar 2005|07:55pm] 4 hypnotic on my heart

fuck you and your silly ways [13 Mar 2005|12:34am] [ mood | sadddd ] [ music | tv ] behind the cut because its so long ( ...daddy wasnt there ) 5 hypnotic on my heart

hi-ho hi-ho its off to school i go [04 Mar 2005|07:47am] [ mood | Fuckingtired ] [ music | nothing ] If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought? ( Lauren ) 15 hypnotic on my heart

everybody wants to be just like you & me [01 Mar 2005|12:32pm] [ mood | Pissed-the-fuck-off ] [ music | "take me or leave me"_Rent ] [best week ever] so i already told you about my birthday so lets start with friday Friday i was "tech" grounded since i had gone out wed and was going out sat and sun i didnt really complain plus chris got to come over but my mom caved and me and chris got to go to one acts. im not going to lie they were really funny this yr. then we went to the mall and back to his house to grab harry potter. came back to my house. and watched that a little bit. His mom bought me these two little stuffed animals from CVS haha one plays the song to grease. yah so anyways Saturday chris came over in the morning for a wee bit before he had to go to work . and then he stoped over after work. hefferon came over around 5:30 ish. and chris left around 6 or a little after.. then.. vaughany came.. and we left to go see RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT! so amazing.. like seriously.. i love them and i love rent. its life changing.. like.. i can just imagine what it was like on broadway.. on the way home me and vaughan got a little lost.. stupid hartford and its lack of highway signs.. all in all amazing night sunday heehee woke up and got ready. then chris picked me up and we went back to his house. he made me breakfast :) it was yummy the pancakes had sprinkles in them. Then later he droped me off at Stace's and melissa came to pick us up and we drove off to hartford to watch stars on ice. melissa had won tickets and we were bored ppl so why not. but it was actually really cool. like. i wish i could skate. because it was crazy. and guys in spandex. then we went to a dinner and acted like fools. silly greek waitor hitting on us.. haha and we were taking crazy pictures and shit. (which i will add once i get them from melissa) anyways its tuesday and a snow day. im gunna go get ready for work.. which i have to walk to.. ahh whatever.. catcha later ( Lauren ) 2 hypnotic on my heart

[24 Feb 2005|03:29pm] [ mood | g iddy ] [ music | The mix jim sent me ] my birthday was simply amazing. I walked into school and eric made me a kick ass poster school went by really fast too then when i went home i opened cards from family and my mom got me these two cute tank things from ae then chris came to get me So chris refuses to wear pink like absolutely hates it.. but there was this one shirt in old navy he liked but still wouldnt buy and i was going to get it for him for V-day but couldnt find it so he went to the mall and when he came to pick me up he had the shirt on he bought it to wear bc it was my B-day in conclusion i have the best boy ever anyways we drove to mcternan to pick up kevin and hefferon then drove to maggies melissa stace and joe already there then eric came then vaughany and since bob is a retard he made them decorate the table at maggies and they brought me cake it was cool i have the best friends ever it ment a lot to me that even though it was a school night them came i love them dearly :) chris came over after to eat cake with me and my mom i fell in the snow getting out of his car then we watched some strongbad e-mails that he finally got back and american idol then he had to leave in conclusion best day ever thank you everyone who made me smile yesterday ( Lauren ) 1 hypnotic on my heart

[23 Feb 2005|01:03am] [ mood | *shrugs* ] [ music | chris on the phone ] its my birthday 6 hypnotic on my heart

[21 Feb 2005|10:56pm] [ mood | content with blah ] [ music | my mom yelling in my ear ] Stolen from melissa but its behined the cut because its long im not updating anything now because well im emotionally damaged from my dad at the moment so just read this and if your a guy fucking follow it whores ;o) oh and maggies wed for my birthday 5:30 i dont know if i put that in here yet just tell me if your comming anyones invited as long as you pay for what you eat ( Lauren ) 2 hypnotic on my heart

u kno ur doin good cuz theyre jealous [20 Feb 2005|11:01am] [ mood | A wake ] [ music | "pop yah collar"_Usher ] grrrrr i really dont need it to be this time of the month for this week.. that would be such a pain.. idk why im updating right now.. went out with chris yesterday.. what what! lol i almost fell asleep on his bed thats how fucking tired i was.. we ate dinner there.. i watched him play halo 2 live.. he's nuts.. lol i dont understand halo.. i dont have enough idk i dont have enough of whatever you need for halo.. haha then we went to chilis and met up with eric and carl.. mmm i had that chocolate cake desert thing.. lol okay thats it for this random update.. im not doing anything today which is good bc i need to just chill out for a day.. peace kids.. until next time.. pop yah collar ;) ( Lauren ) 3 hypnotic on my heart

im sorry i cant be perfect [19 Feb 2005|05:05pm] [ mood | Sorry // happy ] [ music | earth wind and fire ] im sorry. thats how im starting that. im completely sorry. its been five months since i wrote a certain entry that has now been deleted. i re-read it four times and cried because i couldnt believe how i could write something so.. well idk.. hurtful about someone who was always there for me.. i was angry, and hurt, and i felt unwanted and it made me say somethings that were completely out of line.. whats bad is some of the stuff was exaggerated through my anger.. right now i can honestly say i am a happy person.. i have amazing friends and amazing boyfriend school is getting better my birthday is soon.. everythings good.. but somethings always been in the back of my mind and i couldnt really shut it out.. then i started having these dreams of walking in mcternan and mike being there and us being able to talk again. and i realized although i had my amazing friends and amazing boyfriends i had lost touch with one person who would do anything for me, one of my best friends who had always stood by me, or let me cry to him, or anything. i missed my friend.. i saw him last night at open mic. Hefferon can tell it bothered me a little.. i just kinda smiled at him.. i wanted to say hello but i knew his reaction would be to walk away.. like it had been before.. i dont blame him i was a bitch.. and i can be a bitch.. when i feel like someone hurts me i just go into this shield mood and i turn into someone i wish i wouldnt.. anyways my point is that mike i am sorry for everything i have said against you.. for that journal entry which is now deleted.. for the away messages.. for everything i said badly about you.. you were always there for me and although i was hurt by you.. i cant imagine how i hurt you.. on a lighter note.. i got my hair cut! its uber cute! i really like it! but i gotta go get ready.. im going out with my chris.. silly forgot to get a birthday gift for his dad.. lol then who knows.. im looking forward to this upcomming week.. you can see why in the entry bellow this :o) && Lauren Ashley 2 hypnotic on my heart

we get it on almost every night when the moon is big &bright [17 Feb 2005|03:46pm] [ mood | E x cited ] [ music | "only hope"_Mandy Moore ] lets see 14th aww v-day! i got candy grams from my whorebag ash, my snuggle buddy eric, and my science buddy dave! woot. umm the day went well. i had to work. but stace was there so it was all good. went home. then chris came to get me and we went to his house and he gave me the prettiest flowers!!! tehee he's the first boy to give me flowers actually. Then we went to this italian restaurant. mmmmm. and back to his house to watch a certain movie *cough* yah. then i had to be home by 10 so he took me home. it was my first really good valentines day :) i like it better like that! 15th i had school and work. But when i got home. well idk i didnt want to stay home. my dad sent me flowers. and i was crying i just felt like shit. i tossed the flowers today. if he's going to stay out of my life then he shouldnt bother with holidays. i dont care about the big days its the small days i remember. and i cant remember anywith him. so there. so anyways. i had no homework really so i went to mcternan! despite not like certain ppl there i got to see my hefferon and ian and costa and lorna and jill and gautam and all the people i truly miss. and god of course cutrofello! ian gave me a ride home. i miss that kid. and then chris came to get me later bc i was hungry and i didnt feel like eating smart ones.. come on who does that. so i got wendys instead haha and we went back to his house for a little bit! hmm i came home around 10ish.. what now.. my mom doesnt know i went out.. she never called or ask so whatever.. 16th didnt do much i felt like shit so the only reason i went to school was because i had a math quiz *sigh* and then i came home sick. so i didnt end up going to the basketball game with alyssa like i had wanted too. oh well. hmm then yah i didnt do anything. 17th(today) school.. woot.. actually it wasnt bad.. i like b days.. kinda.. i wish i could go to the aaron carter concert tonight though.. damnit.. but atleast i get to go out with my chris.. we're going to see boogeyman? idk im going to end up like crying bc scarey movies scare me.. go figure. this weekend hmm idk probably out and shit.. no HUGE plans as of yet 21st spending the day with chris and his brother because i dont have school! and no work either! totally rad man! haha. 22nd hmm i dont have school again. im going to wake up and go to mcternan acting class though. and then go to work early to make up for the lack there of hours i have. atleast stace i think is working with me. then hopefully at night if my mom lets me go to chris's hockey game thing up in danbury? 23rd MY BIRHTDAY! i cant believe i am going to be 17.. its freaky.. so i have school thank god no work. and then later at night im going out with some ppl to maggies.. if you want to come tell me.. idk what time yet.. its not like a party kinda thing though i just want to go to maggies.. bob better be working wed! umm then yah 25th Possibly going to one acts. i dont know if my mom will let me though because my weekend is insanely packed like a mother fucker 26th Going to see rent! yes rent! finally. with hefferon and whoever else she brings i saposse! my moms going to pay for my ticket as my birthday present! i still want to see it on broadway though.. soon hopefully! ahh but im going to see rent! 27th going to some ice show that melissas mom won tickets too with stace and idk melissas mom? lol im excited i get my wifeys in a car ;o) so basically im crazy busy for the rest of this month. i missed a lot too.. oh what am i going to do with myself! ( Lauren ) on my heart

[13 Feb 2005|04:36pm] [ mood | Gidday ] [ music | "Do somethin"_britney Spears ] here's the deal: Leave a comment, anonymously(sp?), saying whatever the hell you want a secret, fear, what you really think of me, a picture, a song lyric anything thats on your mind, absolute randomness. Anything this is just for fun. and a lot of comments would be cool so lets do it ( Lauren ) 13 hypnotic on my heart

[12 Feb 2005|09:01pm] [ mood | T i R e D ] [ music | trading spaces on tv ] all i can remember is one night more then one hour or one floor ( Lauren ) 1 hypnotic on my heart

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